Last Moments of Irresponsibility of Little Consequence

In about 10 weeks, give or take, I’m going to give birth to a baby girl.

A tiny little life who will be wholly dependent on Brian and me. Our world will shrink to the size of a newborn onesie.

…Yeah I know, hundreds of thousands of women and couples all over the world go through this same thing every day, my angst is ordinary & redundant, but this is my blog & I’m going to self-indulgently wonder and wander on the subject because I want to…

Despite our seven years of marriage (13 years total as a couple), in a lot of ways, I still feel like Brian & I really just barely got to know ourselves. Now this new person will take over. Which is pretty terrifying & exciting all at once. Make no mistake, we are delighted, having children has always been something we thought we’d do, we just were never sure when. It’s a pretty scary cliff to jump off. As a couple, we value quiet time, privacy & freedom, all of which become even more extremely precious commodities once you become parents.  So I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to a certain level of mourning my selfish whims even as I celebrate this new evolution. The good news is I’m not allowed to drink, so my last moments of irresponsibility of little consequence have so far been of the only-slightly-self-destructive variety…

(…waiting until 10 weeks til my due date to start thinking about setting up a nursery… eating two Snickers bars in one day even though I  know the baby girl will kick me extra hard for consuming all that straight sugar… driving to Atlanta & back for an audition at 6 months pregnant despite knowing they would just hire someone not pregnant & give them a fake bump but I’ve never been invited to read for that casting director before & I miss auditioning that much…)

A friend of mine once described the decision to have a baby as knowing what you want. It was in the context of a conversation about feeling a little loss and a little lost, as if the decision to procreate was choosing a path and my friend was jealous of that decisiveness. At the time, it made a certain amount of sense, but now that I’m on that path, the concept seems off base. Getting pregnant has very little to do with knowing anything about anything. It is just a new piece in the puzzle. I have no fewer lost moments. In fact, if anything, I’m more lost. It’s like I’ve reached the edge of the map I was finally kind of comfortable navigating and have now been forced to get out a new map where all the street names are written in strange characters I have to research the meaning of at every turn.

But it’s less insane to feel lost in new territory than while pacing the same old street. Being lost in new territory is called adventure & a good adventure keeps us feeling alive. I feel this is the bravest thing I’ve ever undertaken. Despite all the weird physical changes, frustrating inability to sleep because of new aches & pains, & anxiety over whether I’m cut out for this extremely difficult & demanding job of parenting or not… It truly feels right.  The time is now. Whenever I slip into the fear side of this beautiful transformation, I remind myself of the magic. I remind myself I get to love this new little human with no limits and without reason. I remind myself I’ll get to watch her discover this world and she’ll get to teach me things I didn’t know I didn’t know. I remind myself my body is built for this. And what I’m most excited about: getting to see Brian be a daddy. We’re going to be a good team.

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