Pregnant again!

Was hoping to have some sort of cute bump picture to go with this announcement, but I have thus far failed to achieve such a thing. Just know I have a big baby bump, I’m like 190lbs already, and I finally cut my hair back to shoulder length (it was getting a little ridiculous & I wore it a bun literally every single day). And ultrasound shots? I dunno y’all, it’s a picture of the inside of my uterus. That’s just weird for me to share. And it’s not like I pay to get the fancy-pants 3D ones, mine are the standard black & white blurry “I-guess-that-looks-like-a-baby?” type shots. All that to say: I’ll take a shower & put on makeup & an acceptable maternity outfit on eventually during this pregnancy & maybe someone will catch it on film.

Let’s get the pressing questions out of the way:

• According to 20wk ultrasound, it’s a girl
• Due date: Nov. 9
• Libby sort of gets it? She says “There’s a baby in mommy’s belly!” & she pats my baby bump several times a day & says “Good baby, good baby.” So curious to see how this goes down come November.

Baby in mommy’s belly? Yeah I guess I’m cool with that.

I’ve put off publicly announcing this as long as I can stand it. With Libby I was really nervous/excited to tell people. Being pregnant, becoming a mom, it was taking on a whole new identity for me. It was a new skin & I wasn’t sure I was ready for people to judge me in it yet. This second time around I often feel like “let’s get on with it already.” That is when I’m not feeling like “what the hell were we thinking?” or “why didn’t anyone tell me that being pregnant with a toddler is literally the worst ever?”

But at the same time, I haven’t really been ready to settle into this whole round two thing yet either. I felt like I was just barely beginning to taste some freedom, a tiny bit of true Mary Claire things coming back into my life. I was down to nursing Libby only 2 or 3x per day (finally totally weaned now thank goodness – pregnant & breastfeeding an 18mo-20mo old is pretty rough in case you’re wondering). Spending time alone with Daddy or Mimi & Granddaddy was finally exciting instead of tear-inducing. I was thinking – hey! I could shoot new headshots & start taking auditions more seriously. Maybe I could even start going out for theatre productions again. Maybe I can gather a group of Nashville improvisers to do actual long-form improv that doesn’t feel like teeth grinding. Maybe I could get my office/art supplies organized & start hacking through this list of creation ideas that just gets longer & more pipe-dreamy every day…

But then my period didn’t come. And I thought – no big deal, breastfeeding has had the cycle all over the place for months. So I wait a week, pee on a stick just in case – negative. Wait another week, pee on another couple sticks this time (because anxiety) – negative, negative. Take Libby with me to Florida with my parents for a window film conference – feel kinda woozy, go to bed early, nap with Libby most days, but Libby also gets terrible diarrhea (fun stuff y’all, especially in swim diapers) so I’m thinking I prob have whatever’s bothering her, only with an adult immune system. Until the plane ride home: I got up to go to the bathroom, turbulence started, the flight attendant said I would have to go back to my seat & wait & I found myself all of a sudden having to fight the urge to burst into tears. Right then I thought dammit.

The test I took the day I got back home? Positive. Early detection my ass, EPT.

Libby and I in the resort pool in Hollywood, FL in March, blissfully unaware of both the developing fetus and the pending emergency swim diaper situation

So I’ve had to let go of my pipe-dreamy list again for the moment. And by moment I mean another two and a half years. But assuming everything goes well (never take it for granted, pregnancies are unpredictable) in its place I will have another tiny miracle to watch become human. Now that I’m halfway thru the pregnancy, I’m finally coming around to looking forward to this project instead of mourning the loss of the pursuit of my others.